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"No matter how much you have, you can always use MOR"

Humour:

Some rather amusing stories, jokes, etc. that I have come across over the years...

Last year a friend of mine upgraded Girlfriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog that leaves very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 is spawning child processes which are further consuming valuable resources.

No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that it is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, but Wife 1.0 installs itself in such a way, that it launches itself at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some of his more favourite applications like Poker Night 4.5, Beer Bash 10.3 and Pub Night 6.7, are no longer able to run, even though they always worked fine before.

At installation of Wife 1.0, it also automatically installs undesired plug-ins such as Mother-In-Law 55.8 and Brother-In-Law Beta. As a consequence, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he’d like to see in Wife 2.0:

• A “don’t remind me again” button
• A “minimize” button
• An install shield that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without loss of cache and other system resources.
• An option to run the network driver in “promiscuous” mode which would allow the system’s hardware probe feature to have greater use.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for previous versions of Girlfriend do not work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another annoying problem… all versions of Girlfriend, continually pop up annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug; If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before executing a self- uninstallation procedure. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient system resources.

To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system, and never run any file transfer applications such a Laplink6.0. Also beware of similar hardware applications that have been known to carry viruses that affect Wife 1.0.

Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.1 under an anonymous name. But here again, beware of viruses that can be accidentally downloaded.

Recommended; Condom 1.2. Some friends have recommended Abstinence 1.0 or Faithfulness 1.2, but they have never run Wife 1.1 on their systems.

How to Install Software: A 12-Step Program:

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software.  It should look something like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and trouble-shooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:

LICENSING AGREEMENT: 
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user’s home and examine the user’s hard drive, as well as the user’s underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn’s early light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you’ve been a great crowd, and don’t forget to tip your servers.

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, “(Name of child), please install this on my computer.”

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type “SETUP” and press the Enter key.

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7. Once again type “SETUP” and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen:

The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest:

                               YES                         SURE

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they’re done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor.  At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like “puree.exe,” “fester.dat,” and “doo.wha.”

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:

The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately swear, like this: *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&

11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.

12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.

And so that’s the easy way to install software...

The "Demo":

Shortly after Bill Gates was killed in a freak accident, he found himself being sized up by Saint Peter. "Bill, this is a tough call. You've made great technological advancements with Microsoft, but you've also given us Windows 95/98. I think I'm going to let you choose between heaven and hell."

"That sounds fair," Gates replied. "Can I have a look at hell first?" Saint Peter showed his guest a wonderland of sunny beaches, beautiful women, sumptuous food and an ideal climate. "If this is hell," Gates exclaimed, "I want to see heaven."

Saint Peter led the way through billowy clouds filled with angels playing golden harps. "Hmm," Gates pondered. "This is nice, but I think I prefer hell."

Two weeks later, Saint Peter went to hell to check on the billionaire. He found him shackled to a wall, surrounded by shooting flames and tormenting demons. "Saint Peter!" Gates cried. "This is awful! This is nothing like the hell I visited. What happened to that other place, the one with the beaches, the beautiful women and the delicious food?"

"Oh, that," Saint Peter replied. "That was just a demo."

The Engineer:

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.  St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.  Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, running water, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is an extremely popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great.  We've got air conditioning, running water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What???  You've got an engineer?  That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right.  And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

"Y zero K":

While browsing through some dust-covered archival material in the recesses of the Roman Section of the British Museum a researcher recently came across a tattered bit of parchment.  After some effort he translated it and found that it was a letter from a man called Plutonius with the title of “magister fastorium”, or keeper of the calendar, to one Cassius.  It was dated, strangely enough, 2 BC, December 30 or 2000 years ago today.  The text of the message follows:

Dear Cassius,

Are you still working on the Y zero K problem?  This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven’t much time left. I don’t know how people will cope with working the wrong way around.  Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards.  You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute. I spoke to Caesar the other evening.
He was livid that Julius hadn’t done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar.  He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty.  We called in the consulting astrologers, but they simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won’t work.  As usual, the consultants charged a fortune for doing nothing useful.  As for myself, I just can’t see the sand in an hour glass flowing upwards. 
We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won’t arrive until it’s all over. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition.  Anyway we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem and I will send you  a parchment if anything further develops.

Vale. Plutonius
 

People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the non-technical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations.  This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming.

Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.

ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST

You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...

A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a
solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."

SOCIAL SKILLS

Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:

• Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
• Important social contacts
• A feeling of connectedness with other humans

• Get it over with as soon as possible.
• Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
• Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1)things that need to be fixed, and (2)things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. 

Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

FASHION AND APPEARANCE

Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.

LOVE OF "STAR TREK"

Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.

DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE

Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.

Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely
recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent,dependable,
employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.

Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:

• Bill Gates.
• MacGyver.
• Etcetera.

HONESTY

Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human
relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.

     "I won't change anything without asking you first."
     "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
     "I have to have new equipment to do my job."
     "I'm not jealous of your new computer."

FRUGALITY

Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"

POWERS OF CONCENTRATION

If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.

RISK

Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.

EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS

• Hindenberg.
• Space Shuttle Challenger.
• SPANet(tm)
• Hubble space telescope.
• Apollo 13.
• Titanic.
• Ford Pinto.
• Corvair.

RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people. REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.

If that approach is not sufficient to halt project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."

EGO

Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:

• How smart they are.
• How many cool devices they own.

Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer.  When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines:  "I'll ask Bob to figure it out.  He knows how to  solve difficult technical problems." At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem.  The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

Help Lines:

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.  Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window.  The pilot's sign said, "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window.  Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATTLE airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

The French Class:

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. 

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" 

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. 

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 

1.  In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 
2.  They have a lot of data but are still clue less. 
3.  They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 
4.  As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had 
waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. 

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 

1.  No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 
2.  The native language they use to communicate with other 
     computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 
3.  Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term 
    memory for later retrieval. 
4.  As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself 
    spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.